Where is Gods hand?

Why is it when life gets overwhelming that everything seems to go wrong right at that moment? Why is it that when I need to see Gods hand the most, the way seems so obscured? I can look back retrospectively and see His hand but never in the circumstance. Is this where active faith comes into my life? Is this when I need to learn to rely on Him more? Is He trying to teach me something?

Steve and I have had many conversations about this. I don't believe that God has mapped out or predestined everything, and that we go like robots through His plan. I believe we all have choices to make, and our lives are shaped and molded by those choices. But are there things that He wants us to experience? Did He cause or allow the kids autism or choose us to be their parents? Why is the heart of every human, whether we want to admit it or not, always looking for the answer to the question? What is it that drives us to search for the 'truth'?

Our life has so many peaks and valleys. There are times I can really struggle with how I incorporate my faith into it. There are so few parents of children with special needs who share how the diagnosis affected their faith. Mine, I admit, is very shaken, but there are times that I marvel at the complexity of my kids and know that everything will be alright. But there are dark sides, why do I feel so ashamed to admit it though? Why the secrecy? If we all shared our stories, shared the pain and the joys, wouldn't the load be easier to bear? I say this like it's easy, as if I have it figured out, but I don't. Just an inner longing of mine, to find a place where people feel safe to share and support through life.

Today is a day for a deep thoughtful post I guess. I've been in that mood lately, very reflective. It's been a difficult summer, and I feel the affects of it very strongly. I am praying to see His hand, and to feel His presence with me. This next few weeks will be difficult and I'm not sure how much I'll post. Some things good, some bad, some unsure. I have a few doctors appts, the kids going back to school and some decisions to make. None of which are very easy for me. Please pray with me during this time, I could sure use the support!