Where is Gods hand?

Why is it when life gets overwhelming that everything seems to go wrong right at that moment? Why is it that when I need to see Gods hand the most, the way seems so obscured? I can look back retrospectively and see His hand but never in the circumstance. Is this where active faith comes into my life? Is this when I need to learn to rely on Him more? Is He trying to teach me something?

Steve and I have had many conversations about this. I don't believe that God has mapped out or predestined everything, and that we go like robots through His plan. I believe we all have choices to make, and our lives are shaped and molded by those choices. But are there things that He wants us to experience? Did He cause or allow the kids autism or choose us to be their parents? Why is the heart of every human, whether we want to admit it or not, always looking for the answer to the question? What is it that drives us to search for the 'truth'?

Our life has so many peaks and valleys. There are times I can really struggle with how I incorporate my faith into it. There are so few parents of children with special needs who share how the diagnosis affected their faith. Mine, I admit, is very shaken, but there are times that I marvel at the complexity of my kids and know that everything will be alright. But there are dark sides, why do I feel so ashamed to admit it though? Why the secrecy? If we all shared our stories, shared the pain and the joys, wouldn't the load be easier to bear? I say this like it's easy, as if I have it figured out, but I don't. Just an inner longing of mine, to find a place where people feel safe to share and support through life.

Today is a day for a deep thoughtful post I guess. I've been in that mood lately, very reflective. It's been a difficult summer, and I feel the affects of it very strongly. I am praying to see His hand, and to feel His presence with me. This next few weeks will be difficult and I'm not sure how much I'll post. Some things good, some bad, some unsure. I have a few doctors appts, the kids going back to school and some decisions to make. None of which are very easy for me. Please pray with me during this time, I could sure use the support!

BIG changes!

I'm sitting here today in awe that my life is going to change dramatically in the next couple of weeks. We've hit some pretty big milestones in our house. Some that we've talked about, some that we haven't.

First, Logan will be starting GR 1 in just two weeks time. I can't believe that he's going to be going to school full-time. I got a call from the bus company today, confirming everything for the start of school. I knew the day was coming, but it suddenly hit me very hard that my oldest is growing up! Abby will be starting her SK year, and I am anxious to see how that will go. The summer has been good for both of them, and I believe they will both be rather excited to see school start again.

Another big milestone, one which we haven't broadcasted very loudly, is the fact that Logan and Abby both transition out of behavioural therapy in September. We will receive 12 months of transitional therapy, and then be completely out of the program. Now I'm sure a lot of who read this will be outraged thinking it was due to age, but it was our choice. It was a very difficult and bittersweet decision, but one that had to be made. I will admit that I'm rather nervous about having Abby home with me during the day. Some people may feel confused by that, but for the last 2 years of her life, she has been with other people throughout the day at various times. I'm positive that it will go ok, but I'm still anxious about the transition. She is a child who thrives on routine, and we're about to upset it completely.

Emma rolled over for the first time this morning! I can't believe she is 3 months already. She's really turned a corner in the last few weeks. Whatever was going on with her, has now subsided for the most part, and she's turned into the most beautiful, wonderful girl. Now part of that is due to the fact that she sleeps between 12 and 14 hours at night, but another part of that is her cooing and smiling. She just keeps "giving back". It's a great feeling to see her smiling her big toothless grin at you.

Justus is cutting teeth, and I can't wait til they poke through!!! That boy has turned into Mr.Drama. You'd think the world was ending the way he carried on, but even through it all, he's a character. I love to see him peek from behind his hands when you give him a reprimand, or grab your face to give you a big "mwah" on the cheek. He is learning so much, and can do so many things that in a lot of ways, he's bypassed what the kids can do. (or at least demonstrates it) He's a real joy to be around, and keeps me laughing throughout the day, even with his teething antics!

Beautiful Butterfly

“I don’t want to wear that, why can’t I wear this? I don’t like wearing dresses! I’m almost 7 now Mom! Why can’t I wear what I want to wear?”

“It’s your first day back to school honey, 2nd grade. You want to look your best for your new teacher, don’t you? Tomorrow is a big day for you.”

“I want to wear this mom! I’m comfy.”

“Alright Sara, but at least put on a different shirt, those don’t match.”

Sara crossed off the last day on her calendar as she headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth. Dreaming about the next day, she went through her bedtime routine. She was so excited to see her friends and tell them all about her adventures over summer vacation.


***

Sara grabbed her backpack and skipped down the driveway. “I’m going to school today, I’m going to school today.”

“Hello Ms. Davis” she greeted the school bus driver.

“Hi Sara, did you have a nice summer?”

Sara nodded to the driver as she walked down towards the back of the crowded bus, sitting down next to a girl with messy hair and clothes; it was the only seat left.

“Hi, I’m Sara. I’m in grade 2. What’s your name?”

The girl didn’t say anything; she just looked out the window. Sara was hurt. She kept hoping but the girl never spoke to her.

***

The bell rang and the kids filed into the classroom. When Sara saw the girl from the bus sitting at a desk near the front of the room, she pointed at her and quietly whispered to her friends. “That’s her!”

“Good morning class, welcome to Grade 2. I’m your teacher Mrs. Johnson. I’d like you all to meet Lisa. She transferred here from another school. Lisa will need your help this year to feel welcome. Everyone, please say hello to Lisa.”

“Hello Lisa” the class echoed.

***

Sara stared at Lisa all day. There was something different about her. She didn’t fit in. At the second recess break Sara stayed behind to talk to Mrs. Johnson.

“Mrs. Johnson, why doesn’t Lisa talk? I tried to talk to her on the bus this morning, but she didn’t answer. She seems strange, is there something wrong with her?”

“Sara. She does talk, but it takes her longer to answer and you have to listen carefully. If she is distracted by something, she may not hear you. Why don’t you try again? Lisa really needs a special friend and I think you are just who she needs. Why don’t you go ask her to play with you?”

“I’m kind of afraid. How do I know if she’s listening to me?”

“Call her name first. Its ok Sara, you’ll do great. Run along, you’ll miss your recess.”


***

“How was your day honey?” Sara’s mom asked as she poured a glass of milk.

“OK.”

“Your teacher told me about your new friend Lisa. Do you want to tell me about her?”

Sara started to cry. “Mom, she wouldn’t talk to me! She’s not my friend, she’s weird. I know Mrs. Johnson said that I would be a special friend for her, but I don’t want to be her friend.”

“Now Sara, we all are different. How would you feel if someone said that they didn’t want to be your friend? I bet it would hurt your feelings. I sure hope you give Lisa a second chance.”

***

Mrs. Johnson spoke to the class. “Today is a special day. We are going to work on an art project together. I’ve already selected who your partners will be, so please sit with them as I call out your names.”

As their names were called, Sara went and sat with Lisa.

“Today’s project is about celebrating our differences. We all have special gifts and talents. With your partners, I’d like you each to talk about one thing that is special about you. Then each pair is going to paint it onto this banner, to represent all that is special about the people in our class. The banner will stay up for the rest of the year.”

***
Sara was so mad; she didn’t want to be Lisa’s partner. She didn’t even ask Lisa what was special about her. She went ahead and did the project all by herself.

One by one the pairs got up and told what made them special. The banner was almost full when finally it was Sara and Lisa’s turn. Mrs. Johnson called Lisa’s name and asked “Lisa, what is special about you?”

“I …. can …. paint …. butterflies.” She answered slowly.

Sara’s mouth dropped open. It was the first time Lisa said anything since school started. Sara was even more shocked when Lisa got up and painted the most beautiful butterfly she had ever seen.

“Lisa! That is a very beautiful butterfly. Well done!” Mrs. Johnson said smiling. “Sara, it’s your turn.”

“I ride horses.” Sara answered, waiting as she picked up the paintbrush.

Sara knew she couldn’t paint well, and it was even worse to go after Lisa. Her butterfly was so pretty.

“Can …. I …. help?” Lisa asked.

Sara turned around to see Lisa standing behind her holding a paintbrush.

***

Lisa was an excellent artist; the horse she painted was just as beautiful as the butterfly. The whole class clapped as Lisa sat back down in her seat.

“Wow Lisa! That was awesome. How do you do that? Can you teach me how to paint?” Lisa couldn’t handle all the attention; she went to the corner of the classroom to look out the window.

Sara sat down in her seat, feeling sad. She knew she had to tell Lisa she was sorry.

Sara followed Lisa to the other side of the classroom.

“Lisa?”

Lisa turned her head and looked at Sara.

“Lisa, I’m sorry I was mean to you. That was a beautiful painting. Thanks for helping me. Do you want to play with me at recess?”

“It’s …. ok. I …. want …. to …. play …. with …. you …. Sara.” Lisa smiled.

***

That night Sara went home and told her mom all about Lisa’s painting.

“Mom, it was so beautiful. I didn’t know she could paint like that. We played together for the rest of the day. I really like Lisa. Can she come over and play?”

Publications and School

I heard back from Chicken Soup, and my story, Christmas Eve Miracle was NOT chosen for the book, however it was a top finalist. It was in the top 300, out of thousands of submissions. For my first official "try" at being published, isn't too shabby. They are going to highlight the story on a new website Soul Supporter. She said she'd email when the story was going to be highlighted. While it isn't in print form, it's great that I'll be published even on the Internet. It's a step in the right direction.

I've also just completed my first college course, Writing for Publication. I received my final marks, tonight 79.6%. It bothers me that I'm just .4% away from an A, but I guess I'll take the B+. It's so exhilarating. In our first unit, we are asked to write a query letter and article for a magazine, and many of us actually submitted our letters to editors of magazines. I wrote to Exceptional Family, and offered to write our story of Milo and the kids. They've agreed that it might make a great story, and will be getting back to me next month about a possible feature in their magazine! I'll keep you updated.

I've signed up for my next course, which will be on children's fantasy literature! We will use Harry Potter and Chronicles of Narnia as source material, how awesome is that?!!? I can't wait. The kids and I both start school the same week.

This week I also had the privilege of speaking to a class of potential Educational Assistants at Georgian College in Owen Sound. What an experience that was! I'm not at all a public speaker, I probably should have let Steve do it, but I had fun nonetheless. It was an odd feeling to walk into the classroom, be shown to the front of the room, and have a bunch of students listen intently to what you are saying for an hour! It was great to be able to give them "the family" perspective of the children they will be working with. I'm not sure I'd ever feel overly comfortable doing it again, but it's nice to say that I lectured a college class LOL!

Pictures

I recently went through our pictures and realized there were very few pictures of the kids and I. Today I remedied that! The kids and I had a photo session, and these pictures were the outcome. Most are selfportraits, although the one of Emma and I is one that Steve took. :) Enjoy.

Busy Busy Busy

Well, I apologize that it's been so long since I last made a blog entry. It seems life has been rather busy.

Since my mom is up in Chesley working, I came down this past week to help her out. I've been doing packing packing packing packing and more packing. The house finally looks like they are moving, and I can't believe it's just 2.5 more weeks until they are up here. I'm very excited for the opportunity to live close to them, and what these changes will bring for their lives. Please pray for them as they make this change in their lives.

This is their new home in Chesley, I wish it didn't look so spooky because the house is beautiful. Once they are moved in, I'll go and take some better pictures. Now that the trees are in bloom etc. This was the listing picture from back in April!

I'm so homesick and ready to see my family. I'll be back to Meaford tomorrow. Hope everyone is having a great long weekend.